Staying Strong

This entry was personally written on October 1, 2012 with intended title of ‘Should Move On’. People should move on with life because life doesn’t stop to wait. Life is not like train which stop a bit for us to get on. Life is more like flowing water. It doesn’t stop, if you try to contain flowing water, it’ll burst out when the container is full. By then, things get even worse. So, just let things go. Just let everything go with the flow. We watch, we learn, we understand the means as it goes.

My train of thoughts wasn’t always stop at a specific terminal which I can consider necessary, I was always thinking about insignificant things, I didn’t really get why things happened at times, like a foolish kid. Sometimes being confused can be viewed as a mark of cuteness but not for me, it’s only showing how ignorant I could be; not to think what was that suppose to mean. It bugs the crap out of me to think that I am that kind of a worthless fool. But that was me which was how I used to be… using past tenses is just a way for me to feel better because truthfully, I never changed. I stay the same. I stay kid all this while. All this time, I was chasing for something that wasn’t there. I was again… being stupid.

If someone asks me for advice, I can give them. I got lots of experiences; I go through many things in life people don’t actually want to experience. But none is helpful to me because of the very essence of who, what and how I am. I don’t want to care, or at least I care… least. I fell so many times but did I learned? No, I don’t. As I said, I’m ignorant. This stupid guy won’t learned from experience, this foolish guy felt that destiny destines… this guy thought that he was destined for something big. When the ‘big’ thing in life stored for him is maybe despair. Yet, he didn’t learned much. He just stayed the way he is.

Sitting with my forehead on my knees, that was what I can do for now. I don’t know how I can do more with myself. Though I’m not the type who’s learned much from mistakes but I do see why things happened, what it’ll result, how it’d impact. I see that clear but I can’t have the feeling I should repent right away. I need more time to think, get myself clear and allow my train of thought ease its way. Eventually, I only am messing up with timeline. Time and life don’t wait, I get left behind again. How can I make up for the time I lost so far? I can’t, I just left as a silly person.

If what I thought was mine isn’t really what should I get anymore then please make me realize that it is so… I don’t want to lost and lose more and more again… I hope for better things in life, I don’t want to stop believing that I can do better… I hope that I can once again try to climb the cliff I fell. Because the view at the top is what I long. Although I lost my way once, twice, thrice, four times, five or even I lost count of how many time I’ve lost, I wanted to find a new beginning and starts anew. I hope I can forget all this. I hope I can heal from this wound. I hope I can be something more than just people living life… I wanted to be a person who can make up for things he lost and make the better of other things he thought he can never muster…

p/s – so, the intended title proved to be inappropriate with the content which I also found confusing… I’m not even sure the title is appropriate as well…

Emil: people lose sometimes… and again… that’s normal…
Jahn: maybe I don’t want to be normal…

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